I disappeared..

…. to reappear now

What is being in love about ?

Is it about caring or getting cared ? Is it about loving or being loved ? Putting the other person’s happiness before your own or being happy together. I have been in love for three years now, I am in love still with the same person. But yet if someone asks me now to define love I don’t think I can. Yes, I can give this philosophical and the typical answer that love is something that can only be felt and cannot be defined. We (me and my love) had our share of agreements and off late disagreements. We had our moments when we dreamt together of our future and then the moments when we argued over the core basis on which our relationship stood. Is it really possible for two persons to agree on every little  thing of life ? Does being in love is about having the same point of view for every aspect of life ? I have so many questions and yet I still have faith in my relationship. I still believe that there is always a better day to live for and that we will get over this phase of our life. I am sad…but the story will continue.

The days in between…

So the wait began.I had confessed my feelings to her and she had asked for time.I was feeling better and at the same time a little apprehensive.We still chatted everyday.It was just the like the way we did before.I was a bit relieved that it didn’t change things between us.I didn’t want to lose the friend I had in her.There was this one day when she said that she was hanging out with her friends playing truth and dare and one of the guys asked her out as dare. She just wanted to know my reaction.I said if she likes the guy maybe she should go out with her once and just find out. I was giving my honest view point and trying to be unbiased. And she said that i am acting too cool. Things went on.The one night she asked would I like to see her pics. Yeah, I didn’t have any pics of hers,all I had was a vague memory of a cute quiet girl in my high school with a boycut hairstyle. She tried mailing those pics first but couldn’t make it.Those were the shitty old days on India web. So, I fixed out a way for her to upload through Yahoo Groups and I downloaded them from there.She had sent pics of hers in a group.She asked me if I could recognize her.I absolutely could.She was the prettiest gal in th epic,she is the prettiest,cutest and nicest girl I have ever seen in my life even now and I believe thats the way it will be forever. I had fallen in love with an angel.

An Apology and A Question

My apologies to all my readers who had been following my blog.I couldn’t post for almost a month now as I was busy settling down in my new job.I have made up my mind am gonna post more regularly henceforth.And one question what happened today,I’ve so many people stumbling upon my blog.Would love to hear from you ?

I Love You

The three magical words that can change your life forever. The words that feel great when you say and really mean it. And it feels so much better when you get to hear it back…and way much better when you again say it back. I had never said it to anyone, not even to the people whom I had actually loved and respected all my life. It was bit of a mystery for me when I watched those people on movies say it to each other that what difference it made saying things that were implicit . When I said it for the first time, I realized the difference. There was something however that had intrigued me for a long time, that was why was it that people in west had to think so hard and so many times before confessing how they really feel about the other person. Of course my perception is limited from the romantic Hollywood movies I have seen and the Friends seasons which I have seen three times. When I confessed my feelings, it was more out of an impulse. Its true it took sometime but I never planned it or thought it over elaborately. I just knew it that she was the person I wanted to live my whole life with. Three years down the line, a lot of things have changed but I still feel the same. I still love her. There is this one famous line I can recall “I will love you more than I had loved you yesterday and less than I can love you tomorrow”. Thats true, I love her more and more with every passing moment inspite of whatever has happened over the years.

The First Call

I had missed out an important part of my story so far. The first time we talked on the phone. As usual, it was quite late in night and time to go to sleep. I asked her can I have her number to call her and say good night. She was first a bit surprised. She asked me how did I know that she had a cell phone. (Three years back it was not that common students carrying cell phones) she had actually mentioned once that she gives missed to her mom and she calls her back. I asked her kidding if she was scared that I was going to misuse her number. She gave me her number and then asked me where she can reach me. She asked me the same question back that if I was worried that she gonna misuse my number. I didn’t have a cell phone, so I gave her my room mates cell number and our hostel’s land line number. I called her that night, she picked up the phone. That was the sweetest voice I had ever heard in my life. There was so much we could have talked about. I wished her good night and she wished me back. That was it, the first conversation we had one phone,the first conversation we had outside Yahoo Messenger lasted hardly one minute. Later she confessed she was very nervous first time talking to me. We were just friends then.

Confessions of a Confused Mind

For everyone who had been reading my blog, I know you all must be feeling this was the way we were headed. Trust me, I didn’t then. My life was getting complicated, each day was becoming more difficult. A few days back I hardly knew her and now there she was and I would give away my everything just to be with her. My happiness was from her, why and how I could never explain that. With every passing day that we talked, I was falling for her. Now when I look back, look into those archives of long chat sessions, I realize that this was something that definitely had to happen,anyone could say that. No two person can just hit it off like that, at least not in the society that we grew up in. We were falling in love, we just didn’t know that then. I can’t recall at what point of time I realized that I was falling in love. And even after realizing I had no clue what to do next. I had a great friend in her, I didn’t want to ruin that. Somehow I felt that if propose and if she didn’t feel the same about me, the great relationship we had going would be changed forever. It was a complicated situation for me, I was in love with my best friend. I guess a many people must have faced this dilemma at some point of their lives. I was facing it when my life had just begun. I was twenty then. I am a simple guy who wants to live a simple life. All these things were making my life complicated. And then one evening, I guess it was a Friday we were chatting. When it was too late and time to log off, just before leaving she said “A, I have something to say and something to ask tomorrow “ For me, there was just one thing that was there to be said and there was just one thing that was there to be asked. The next day I was all excited and at the same time nervous. I was just wondering how it will be ? Yeah somewhere in my mind there was thing bugging me that I was perhaps going to be the first guy to be proposed but anyways it didn’t matter much. Maybe I was too chicken to do it and it was she who was the extrovert one. I came back from dinner, she got online a bit later than she usually did. I buzzed her, we started chatting. We talked of everything and everything except what I was expected we will be talking about. She never asked that something or said that something. I was getting impatient. So I started talking. I started talking about how much distracted I was staying and yet how much more beautiful life had become since she came into my life, how much I cherished her presence. I said her no matter how much importance I’ve in her life, one day someone special will come in her life. The one person she will spend her lifetime with and then I will quietly walk out her life, fade away from her memories and her heart. Perhaps what I said was a bit melodramatic, but the I was probably not wrong. thats something that would have happened, we would have drifted away had things turned out that way. She tried convincing me that it would never happen, that I’ll always be there in her heart. We kept chatting and then she asked me frankly if there was anything in my heart that I was not being able to say to her. That was it. I confessed everything,I guess I said something “True,True,True T am madly in luv with you” She was shocked,thats what she said me. She didn’t she this coming. She said she needed time. We had chatted for almost eight hours straight that night, infact it was almost morning. I called her from my room mate’s cell (I didn’t own a cell phone then) and put on the song Richard Marx’s ” Right here waiting for you“. Its mysterious how all the wonderful things that falling in love makes you do. I said her again that I truly love her and that I was ready to wait a lifetime to hear her answer.

Feel like shit

This phase of my relationship is called “Feel like shit”. No, it was not because of any fight, misunderstanding or the distance. I felt like shit because I didn’t know what was happening to me. Every day went like the same , every night was different. I felt miserable throughout the day until she came online, after that everything started feeling great. I knew she took me as her best friend and yet I feared will it be same forever. I mean you can make friends for lifetime,but they are not always going to be there with you. And I wanted to be with her all my life. I wanted to give her every happiness of this world. My happiness…it came from being with her, it was that simple. I know I was expecting too much from this relationship which was still in the stage of friendship. I talked to one of my friend about this. He knew about my chatting with her everyday. He said that I was not having enough sleep. That was true. I was sleeping three hours a day during that time. I was lost and confused. It was something difficult for a person like me who had always known what he wants from his life.

A Little Background

I had been writing on wordpress for now one week without attracting any significant traffic. Well one of the reasons can be attributed to the fact that I don’t intend people who know me in real life actually read these. I didn’t think there is anyone with whom I can share what I’m writing here. There is no one I can talk to about the things I’ve experienced. The happiness I have received, the pain I’ve gone through. There is no one to whom I can say that right now the person I love the most is miles away from me  awake,depressed, in tears,in pain. And there is nothing I can do about it because thats the way it had been last ten days and everytime I try talk to her I end up making her and making myself more miserable. Love its a blessing, it gives you the most beautiful moments of your life, its reason of being alive. And yet its a curse it leaves you with scars that won’t heal in a lifetime. This post is to give a brief idea about my background, about my life and about hers. I am a twenty three year old guy, born and brought up in a small town of India. I am ambitious, hard working and perhaps a bit more intelligent than average. I just completed my undergraduate study in Computer Science from one of the premier Indian institute. I will join my first job this July. She is a twenthy three year old girl, beautiful, pretty with a great personality and social skills, intelligent and sensible. In short she is everything I could wish for in a persons I want to spend my life with. We met three years back online and fell in love. This blog is about what happened in these three years and whats happening now. As I keep posting the blogs will get a bit sad and depressing. So if you are someone who has just fallen in love,you won’t like it. But then maybe you can learn something from my experiences. I am not writing this for any sympathy, I don’t expect any advice (if you want to give one you can ) I just want to be listened. I hope people come by,read them and leave behind their thoughts. Thanks to those few who had been reading or who had stumbled by. I hope you come back again.

Talking,Listening

It was just a week and we were of best of friends if not best friends. We shared almost everything of our lives with each other. She had had a pampered childhood and was finding it hard fitting into a new life at the hostel. I tried as much as I can to make her feel better. I liked it when she was happy and smiling. I couldn’t see her (We didn’t have webcams and even if we would have the firewalls would have blocked it) but I could feel it when she smiled or laughed. She liked eating good, buying trendy clothes and accessories, stuffs in fashion. She was modern and yet has not forgotten the traditional Indian values. There was this one time when it was almost an hour past the usual time when she gets online. I got restless, a bit worried too. I smsed her from my friends cell (didn’t have a cell phone then) “Hi Am online where are you ?” She was actually with her friends in her hostel and when her friends saw the sms they all started pulling her leg. She got online the moment she got the sms. We talked a lot and lot. In a matter of days we had become very close. So this one day I finally asked her, was she still single ? She was. She asked me the same Q , the exact words I can’t recall but it went something like this is there any special gal in A’s life ? There wasn’t. I tried knowing what kind of guy she would like to have as a life partner. She wanted someone who will love her the most, she was a pampered child and she wanted her life partner to always pamper her,give her all the attention. She was pretty and attractive and she had string of guys who had tried wooing her right from the high school. There was this guy, he was ok but yeah a bit irritating. Had some problem with his attitude and he was all so crushed up over her. He used to come over to her place,borrow notes,lab records etc from her just to come up with a reason to come over to her place. And she was as she said all dumbo, I said innocent to ever realize the guy’s intentions. She finally got to know about that when her friends told her. The more we talked,the more I got to know about her and the more I liked her. Somehow I just wanted to give her all the happiness of the world. I told her that am gonna take charge of her love life. I told her that am gonna hook her up with a great guy who totally fit her needs, that was Prince Williams. I was just kidding. One day out of nowhere she asked me to say ten things I liked about her. That day I was kind of frustrated,had been trying to debug a bug and was always ending up with NULL POINTER EXCEPTIONS. So I started up saying you are the pointer that directs me towards fun, kewl etc. something relevant unlike NULL POINTERS. I can’t say that was the of my humor,she got irritated.So,I tried again and this time earnestly. And it wasn’t difficult. I said everything that I liked about her. I said how I liked her innocence , how I loved the way she cared about people around her, that how she was the friendliest gal in the neighborhood, that how kewl she was , I loved her humility, I loved her take at life. Its strange,I cannot recall everything that I said. Yeah, but I remember I said, “I can list a zillion things that I loved to like about you”. We were still friends then.